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Nikki Cohen-Wichner - healinghorseman@aol.com True Winners "We have overstretched our personal boundaries and forgotten that true happiness comes from living an authentic life fueled with a sense of purpose and balance." –Dr. Kathleen Hall, from A Life in Balance In this series I’m exploring the role of competition in our lives with horses. In my last column, I encouraged readers to consider how competition has affected their relationships and balance in life. This article shares my perspective as a trainer, coach and judge for 25+ years. In Part 3, I’ll give suggestions of how you can keep your interest in competitive horsemanship in balance with your true priorities in life. Imagine this: You are the parent of a naturally gifted youth rider who is warming up her horse for a finals class at a national-level competition. You’ve spent a significant amount of money on lessons for her, training for her horse as well as a couple of seasons of horse shows in support of her dreams of competing at this level. You notice she is visibly shaken, with tears in her eyes, as you hear the paddock manager announce the final call for her class. Her horse begins to react to her emotions. Take a moment to think about how you would handle this situation, or perhaps how you think this girl’s parent actually handled it. Consider the many possible emotions washing over both the youth rider and her parent. How would you feel if you were the parent? What if you were the girl? Or her coach? Then ponder why you think those emotions could naturally arise in such a competitive environment. I’ve seen many variations of this scenario over the past three decades as a competitor, trainer, coach and judge. Many rivers of tears flow during equestrian competitions from local open shows to international competitions across this country. Tears of joy. Tears of fear. Tears of relief. For every teary moment, there is a unique combination of experiences that led to that individual’s release of emotion. The situation I posed above is based on one of the most memorable experiences I’ve had in 35+ years with horses. The girl was a student of ours. Her parents blessed us with an amazing example of a healthy and balanced approach to high level competition. That morning in Oklahoma City, this young girl was feeling a naturally healthy sense of being overwhelmed by her desire to do well in the approaching class combined with a natural fear of letting down her parents and her coach. The girl’s father walked up to her, put his hand on her knee and looked up into her eyes as he lovingly said, “The sun is going to go down tonight and get back up tomorrow morning, and your mom and I are going to love you and be proud of you no matter what happens in this class. So just go in that ring and have fun riding your horse.” How close is this father’s response to what you would have said (or would like to have your own parent or loving supporter say to you)? What a gift that father gave his daughter that day. Both of her parents had done an excellent job of planning their daughter’s competitive events into the family’s life. They viewed the trip to Oklahoma City as a family vacation; a balanced approach, considering they had a son with no interest in horses but a genuine respect for his sister’s talents and dreams. I grew up in a family where horses were a business; a way of life. Shows were a big part of my life for nearly two decades; often consuming at least 2-3 weekends per month from March thru October. By the time I was twenty I had traveled to dozens of American and Canadian cities without ever taking time to enjoy the unique culture of the communities I visited; so consumed with the competition I wasn’t even vaguely aware of what I was missing. This girl’s parents made sure their family had time to visit the sights in OKC, carefully scheduling family sight-seeing and even matinee movies into days filled with pre-dawn lessons, classes, and outstanding care and attention to the needs of their horse. I’m sure this family stands out in my memory because they were certainly the exception rather than the rule. My mind fills with images far less inspiring as I write this. Images of adult students who lost relationships with friends and life partners because the pursuit of their horsy-dreams became all-consuming. Memories of folks who put their families into debt in hopes of “winning the big one” are more common than most will admit. Sad stories of parents who unknowingly placed pressure on their kids to live their unfulfilled childhood dreams. [Stories all too familiar in many, if not most, sports in our winning-is-everything society.] In my last column I encouraged readers to take a few hours to simply “be” with their horses. This can be especially challenging if you are focused on preparing for the show season. Yet allowing yourself to take time off is one of the best ways to keep your life in balance while pursuing competitive goals. The parents I spoke of earlier in this article used to ask me to tell their daughter how important it is to take time off. They wanted her to live a balanced life with time for academics, other sports, friends and family as well as time to simply be a kid. An excellent preparation for maintaining a healthy balance later in life when juggling personal needs & interests as well as the needs of your life-partner and children with professional commitments and possibly social/church/community interests can be a daunting challenge. You may believe that true winners stay focused and don’t have time for silence or silly games. I’ve met many competitors who have rigid beliefs about how they must behave while handling their horses; afraid that deviating from the show ring routine will ruin their horse’s training. I wonder if you may be open to trying one thing differently if you knew the student I’ve been speaking about went on to win numerous national-level honors and that she often played games with her horse at home as well as at horse shows? How did your answers to the questions asked at the end of my last column compare with each other? Does it feel like your horsy-goals are in-synch with your overall life goals? Will achieving your horsy-goals help you in your pursuit of your highest-priority life goals, or will pursuit of horsy-goals set you back in your life? Between now and the next issue of the Sentinel, please consider emailing me with specific questions you’d like to see me answer in the last part of this series on maintaining balance as a competitive horseperson. I would love to make the last article in this series as true-to-life as possible. Until then… enjoy spring! Blessed Trails.
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